Is It Better to Binge Chocolate or Science?

Dr. Anthony Fauci, the guy that is currently viewed as the “capo di tutti capi” of scientists these days, turned 81 on December 24^th.  Happy Birthday Doctor Fauci.

I can only imagine how astonished Fauci is to observe the growing general disdain for and/or repudiation of science this past two years.  My recollection is that people used to revere scientists.  I don’t recall another time in my lifetime when people just dismissed science as more of a past time than a fact-generating endeavor (I’m not going to count eras like Galileo’s time when dismissing scientists was, basically, a religion).

These days, dismissing science seems more motivated by convenience (e.g., let’s shorten the quarantine period because we have run out of tests) or greed (e.g., let’s eliminate the mask-on-airlines rule because, you know, passengers hate it and thus it cuts into revenue). Oh, and let’s ignore the fact that right after testifying before Congress about removing the mask requirement, the CEO of Southwest Airlines tested positive for COVID. Did he fly to DC? I’m guessing yes.  God I love irony.

True, science evolves and when “old” science is replaced by “new” science, it can really unnerve people.  For example, once upon a time people believed that evidence-based medicine would justify using leeches to treat…well, everything.  And then we found out that science afforded us better evidence, not to mention options, when it comes to treating, say, tonsilitis.

Despite the ever-evolving nature of scientific discovery, it is essential for us to rely on science if we intend to answer the age-old questions that affect our everyday lives, such as this one: “Is it healthier to eke out my Christmas chocolates, or eat them all in one massive binge?”

I was perusing the Ye Olde Internet this week while NOT wearing a mask on a plane because I wasn’t on a plane because I was quarantining due to an inconvenient possible exposure to COVID.  Dear God, it’s everywhere. And while net surfing, I found this essential scientific article that suggests it is better on the body to binge snarf all the Christmas chocolates all at once than it is to meter them out daily for the next several weeks. Read it and rejoice, because snarfing chocolate like tomorrow isn’t coming is pretty much all there is to do in my current state.

Fortunately, this article goes on to address other burning questions, such as:

If you ate your Christmas chocs too quickly and swallowed some foil, would you die?

What happens to your body after eating Christmas dinner? (Spoiler alert: One Christmas meal could fuel a 1.7-day hike in the Himalayas)

Why doesn’t a flaming Christmas pudding burn?

It does not, however, explain what a flaming Christmas pudding is, but I think it is essential that this be investigated.  Since this is from a BBC Science publication, my scientific hypothesis is that this is an England-ish kind of thing, which is awesome since I am binge-watching The Crown while binge eating my chocolate haul.   Bingeing used to be kind of bad verb – one didn’t want to be accused of binging – but now it’s an everyday verb, so it seems—a product of the of Netflixification of America.  Netflix has become so important in today’s society that it has the ability to change the relative positivity or negativity of verbs.  Now that’s power.

Speaking of surprising phenomena, can you imagine that our country has “evolved” to a place where about 3/5 of the population is out there acting like Mad Max in the pursuit of Binax rapid tests and the other 2/5 are piling into bars and restaurants and reveling in the droplet parade? What in the actual hell is going on? Meanwhile, half the world (or at least half a million people) have moved to Florida during the pandemic, where public displays of spit-sharing are considered inconsequential at worst and desirable at best.  My hope, if not my scientific hypothesis, is that this mass migration will serve to drain other States of voters who would deny science as a basis for decision-making–whether in relation to COVID, abortion or chocolate–and thus positively affect our overall national electoral outcomes in the future by turning red states purple.

One can dream while eating mass quantities of chocolate.  I hope Dr. Fauci got his birthday share!