For many, myself included, it’s been a rough couple of weeks. And with the Thanksgiving holiday coming soon, it’s obviously time to think about Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanzaa and Festivus so we can be sure to maximize our stress at every given moment. It’s been a while since I went all out silly, so I decided now is the time to do a public service for humanity.
So here it is: my official holiday shopping guide for those who don’t have time to explore the far reaches of Amazon and for those whose loved ones already have EVERYTHING. I have searched far and wide and found topically relevant health and medical items which I am betting that those on your list haven’t received yet. And if you have someone in your circle who has already gotten these items, I would sure love to hear about it. Because that’s just disturbing.
But without further ado, my gift to you (NOTE: some of the links within the text may feature naughty words or concepts that make you squeamish so read at your own risk):
For the ladies: Let’s face it, women love things that sparkle and glow. We enter the holidays so armed with sequins that even the dog has to wear sunglasses. But who here has yet had the opportunity to go all in with the Glitter Pill? Now your shining friends and loved ones can not just wear glitter, but poop glitter. Yes, that’s right, loaded with the stuff of toddler art projects, the glitter pill helps ensure that you bring that sparkle wherever you go…and I do mean that in every sense of the word. Hey look, they even have Rainbow Unicorn glitter pills for the female venture capitalists in your life (all 3 of them). Apparently there is even a version of these featuring actual gold leaf, in case you are one of the Kardashians.
For the men: Men have become more and more aware of their style in the last few years and many have dipped into the metrosexual pool to ensure that their beards reach perfection, their coifs rival those of David Beckham and their skin is silky smooth. But even men can’t avoid the horrible impact of time. Sure, there are face lifts and other plastic surgery options just as there are for women, but for the insecure everyman, there are other, ahem, parts, which one tries to keep from the knife. And thus, the minimally invasive Scrotox procedure was born.
No, I am not making this up, and if you haven’t figured out the word yet, it’s a combo of Botox and well, you know, nature’s Tupperware for the things that allegedly give you superpowers of courage and general awesomeness (science has yet to prove this as far as I can tell, but we will leave our men to dream). Supposedly this procedure will make everything not just higher, but bigger, giving you the confidence to fight the good fight (medical disclaimer: may pose a risk of rendering other things smaller by comparison). Thus, as the men you love age, give them the chance to fight gravity with the Scrotox for only a few thousand bucks and a mind-bending wince at just the thought of it. Of course there are risks with any medical procedure: like whether your nether regions will look better or just perpetually surprised.
For your teen: Teens are always the hardest to buy for in my opinion. Everything is boring and all they want is to be adults. So to help them experience what life will be like as an adult if they don’t pick their sorry butts up off the couch and do something, I recommend the chub suit. The chub suit will give you the body you will have in 25 years if you continue to play video games all damn day while inhaling Doritos while sitting. To put it another way, if you and your friends insist on buying 500 calorie drinks at Starbucks and then inhaling them while you sit next to each other and text rather than walk and talk, welcome to your adult future. Diabetes Type 2 not included but there’s a good chance it will find you.
For the little ones: We have long lamented that kids in the US aren’t raised to appreciate science early enough. By the time we remember to get them excited about it, they have already decided to become investment bankers…damn too late. So to get the kidlets pumped up about science as early as possible, how about these lovely microbe plush toys featuring culturally relevant diseases such as:
- Ebola Virus – be the first on your block to get quarantined
- Zika Virus – perfect for the baby who loves the tropics
And given how early kids are “in the know” these days, perhaps your 10-year-old might enjoy this gift box of venereal diseases microbe cuddlers (geniously called “Tainted Love”), featuring chlamydia, herpes, HPV and more! Could be the perfect way to make that inevitable birds and bees talk a little cuter.
For the VC who should be on your list: And while this is really a post about what to get your loved ones, you entrepreneurs would be well-served by remembering those in your life who make your success possible, the venture capitalists (VC). Even if you don’t think the VCs are responsible all you have done right, we certainly do! So give us something we can use to shuffle off to sweeter dreams: the Unicorn Slipper. Notably these slippers light up so we can see the revenue coming (someday, someday).
I know the holidays can be stressful so you’re welcome!
But seriously, Happy Thanksgiving, if you celebrate that, and Happy Just Giving if you do not (or even if you do). Given all that is upside down in the world right now, showing others your love by giving to help them live a better life is the best way to celebrate the holidays. If you’re looking for a list of charities that could use your help in these times, just ask and ye shall receive.